Demanding Excellence.

I admit it. I'm a pretty demanding Mom.

But before you start imagining me as a General in the military, hear me out.

As human beings, very few of us are actually self-propelled as adults... even less of us are self-starters and self-motivated as children.

I cringe when I hear horror stories of adults who, as children, were punished for their beds not being made to military code. (I actually know a woman whose mother used to beat her if a quarter couldn't bounce off of her made bed every morning.) I hate to hear about children who actually gave 100%, but 101% was expected and they were crushed in the process.

That's not the kind of excellence I'm talking about.

What I AM talking about is instilling in our little ones (through high school age) that if a job is worth doing, it is worth doing well. See, in modern parenting, we are too afraid to hurt a child's feelings to make them do whatever they are doing well. We are afraid that by demanding hard work we are somehow squishing them into boxes. COME ON, PEOPLE! They won't rise to a level of success if they don't know where the level is. Period.

Example. Abi is in kindergarten. She has little homework sheets to do most evenings. The other day, I was cooking dinner and I just walked over to the counter where she was sitting and checked up on her progress. She had written VERY sloppily, very half-heartedly, and although the answers were right, the care she took to do her homework was less than satisfactory. I just said to her, "Please erase your work and start over. You are able to turn in work that is much neater than this." Abi rewrote her work, and had a GIANT smile on her face at her finished product.

Example #2. The other day, she came into the office asking me for cereal. No problem. The problem was, she was asking in a whiny baby voice that made my skin crawl. I said, "Abi, please go out and start over with your real voice." She had to try five times. On the fifth time, she was actually laughing at herself and how ridiculous her baby tone had been.

As parents, we have to be aware of what our children are capable of producing and contributing in life. We can't expect a "C" student to turn in "A" papers. However, we can expect "C" papers done with excellence. What child actually loves school work, day after day? (Well, I did, but I'm a freak.) You know what? Demanding excellence in school work is a life tool. The likelihood of them ever using Algebra in real life is slim to none. But they WILL use the skill they REALLY acquired... diligence. Does it really matter if the bed isn't made perfectly? No. But what does matter is that we are teaching our children that whatever their hands find to do, they need to do with all their hearts.

This also applies to extracurricular activities that they join. By allowing a child to drop out of a sport because they don't like it or the coach is unfair, we are teaching our kids that when life gets hard enough, you can quit. (Which we all know we can't.) Reality is, life is FULL of people and situations that bring injustice to our lives. Bailing is failing. Period.

I guess what this all boils down to is that we HAVE to know our kids! How do I know what I can demand from Abi if I don't know what she is capable of giving?

Oh, one more thing. Every morning when I drive Abi to school (and I mean every single morning), here's our conversation.

ME- Abi, can I pray for you?
ABI- Sure, Mom.
ME- Thank you, Lord, that Abi is...
(We chime in together) Smart, safe, healthy, kind, and obedient. Amen.
And then, I say: Abi, you're a winner. You're gonna have a great day! (She ALWAYS smiles on that part.)

One day, when she's wanting to quit, it's my desire that she hears my voice, confessing that over her on a daily basis, and remembers that she's a winner. That she's not a quitter. That she lives in excellence.

Because it's just the nature of the beast that at some point, she'll have to be reminded. She'll want to take the easy way out. We all do. But we don't all choose to take it.

Did I Say That OUTLOUD?

So, when you're at your high school graduation, you see yourself in adulthood driving a red sportscar, with Bon Jovi blasting through the kickin' sound system you could afford because of your lucrative job. Your car is filled with friends, and you're headed to the beach for the third day in a row, because you're an adult and you can do whatever you want. You can sleep in when you want, eat when you want, and wear what you want, when you want, and how you want.

(Car tires screeching to a halt here.)

Then you wake up.

Fast forward a few years. Ok, more than a few. Just fast forward, ok? I never did get that sportscar. But I do have a mini-van that has crushed up goldfish behind the booster seat! And that Bon Jovi music? Um, not so much. But I do get to listen to endless Disney Princess music as I drive to the grocery store, post office, and to work. (Yep, I catch myself listening to it even when she's not in the van... just because I don't even notice it's playing anymore.) Oh, and the car filled with friends? Yeeeeah. My friends are all doing the same thing I am... shuttling kids here and there, working all day, and heating up Lean Cuisines for lunch. We don't even get to use the bathroom when we want, much less sleep when we want!

But before you think I'm gonna spend this blog complaining, let me say...

I love it. Every. Single. DAY.

See, life doesn't always end up looking like we thought it would. We do things we never thought we would. (Remember seeing THAT kid... the one with the dried snot on his nose and mismatched shoes, and thinking "I will NEVER do that when I have kids!"??? Well, now that's MY kid.) We eat things we never thought we'd eat... ("Yes, Abi, I'd love to taste that gum you've been chewing for an hour that you think tastes like strawberry glue!") And for today's reading enjoyment, I thought I would give you a list of "THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SAY IN THIS LIFETIME." Riveting, I know.

"Abi, why are your jeans in the toilet?"
"Please spit out the Skittle you just ate from the parking lot!"
"Get the dog's foot out of your mouth!"
"Abi, we don't call people 'Oh My God.'"
"No, you may not go to church just wearing your underwear."
"Cheetos do not count as cheese."
"No, boys cannot have babies out of their privates."
"Why are you wearing your dress in the shower?"
"Did you brush your teeth at all this week?"
"No, you can't punch a baby because he's crying."
And most recently...
"You cannot cut your hair with craft scissors because craft scissors do not cut hair very evenly." (Crisis averted.)

What a ride! I wouldn't trade one single bizarre question for all of the teenage dreams I ever had. This is SO much better. Crazier, yes. But better. Certainly more fulfilling. Tiring.

And a better life than I ever imagined.

OLD vs. NEW. The showdown.

So, just in case you're still in doubt if Old School is for you... Here's a little piece of persuasion to help you in your decision making journey. I just saw this little nugget online, and HAD to copy it.

Let's call it "How To Raise a Juvenile Deliquent"
1. Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

2. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they won’t be so shocked when the home is broken up later.

3.When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute.

4. Give the child all the spending money he wants. Never let him earn his own.

5. Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is twenty-one and then let "him decide for himself".

6. Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that his every sensual desire is gratified.

7. Avoid the use of "wrong". He may develop a guilt complex. This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested, that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

8. Let him read any printed material, and listen to any music he can get his hands on. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are sterilized, but let his mind feast on garbage.

9. Pick up everything he leaves lying around. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on others.

10. When he gets into real trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, "I could never do anything with him."

11. Take his side against neighbors, teachers, and policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

12. Prepare for a life of grief. You will likely have it.


WOOT WOOT! Whoever wrote this is my new hero. I should have claimed it myself.

Listen. No one's saying Old School is easy. But the way I see it, we can put in the hard work NOW, and reap the easy times later. Or, we can go the easy road now and reap the MISERABLE times later.

Since someone so eloquently wrote 12 ways to raise a juvie, I thought I would write "12 Ways to Raise a Winner."

1. Say what you mean, but more importantly, mean what you say.

2. Mandate things like "Yes Ma'am," "No Sir," and "Thank You." People notice kids with manners. And kids who are noticed with manners gain great favor from others.

3. Enforce looking in the eye when you talk to your child, or when they talk to you. This teaches them that people matter.

4. Pray together, every day.

5. Make church a non-negotiable function.

6. Point God out in the blue skies, falling leaves, and warm summer sun. By doing so, we teach our children to bring recognition to Him all along the way... not just when we need Him.

7. Periodically make them call their grandparents, and if they're fortunate enough, their great-grandparents. Yes, I said make them.

8. Be the fun house. Create an atmosphere where even though you're a dork, your kids and their friends want to be in your presence. If you involve food, it's a sure thing. If you feed them, they will come.

9. Praise them often. But praise your spouse even more. This teaches them the world doesn't revolve around them.. specifically YOUR world.

10. Say I'm sorry as needed. (UGH)

11. Reserve the right to say NO. Use this right as often as you see fit.

12. Communicate very clearly that you are NOT your child's friend. You're not their buddy, compadre, or amigo. Wipe that train of thought out of your brain. There will come a day when we can be friends with them... That period is called adulthood.

So, the other day, I had spent the majority of my time with Abi frustrated at her for this or that. I had reprimanded her ALL... DAY... LONG. At the end of our day, we were playing a game and she said to me, "Mom, you're a great Mom. Don't ever stop."

In that moment, I realized. She's getting it. All the blood, sweat, and yes, tears. She's getting that it's all about me loving her enough to do what I have to do to get her to adulthood with as few regrets as possible.

I love this glorious, emotional, militant, exhausting, rewarding, loving job of mine.

In Celebration of...

Girls.

I was born to be a girl-mama.

Now, I know, I know. My boy-mama friends tell me that life is better parenting a boy. That boys love their moms and boys are special. And I also have the sixth sense knowing that I will be the mom of a boy in the not-too-distant future.

But let me tell ya. I know a thing or two about girls.

And I love them.

There are days when Abi is held hostage by her ovaries, like the rest of the female race... when nothing is good enough, when tears flow from not being the first one out of the van, scratchy underwear, or other random causes. But there are also times of giddiness that only a girl's laughter can bring. I love knowing that regardless of the sex of the rest of my children, I am guaranteed a front row seat to at least ONE of their wedding plans, childbirths, and parenting journies. I love it that as her mom, there will come a time when I will be the only person on earth who "gets" her... woman to woman.

And I love it that she's so durn cute. (Yes, durn... it's an Alabama thing.)

For those of you who have daughters, this is a post to celebrate their girliness. For those of you with boys and no girls, this is to give you a glimpse into the world of pink.
And for EVERYONE reading, this is a shameless plug for my favorite girl of all time. Abigail Ruth Elaine.

Girls come out with three definite things.
Drama.
Beauty

and the ability to wrap her Daddy IMMEDIATELY around her tiny finger.

As she grows, she will quickly develop the fine art of:
attitude,

luxury,

and relaxation.

She will quickly learn to communicate (often things you wish she wouldn't communicate to others...)

and she especially loves telling boys what to do.


She is innately domestic


...nurturing

...and complicated.

She's a rock star,
a princess
and a hopeless romantic.

So, expect sassiness,
LOTS of friends,
and frequent visits to her fairytale world.

But most of all, be ready for HER. In all of her glory.

One of my favorite days of all time... I was lying on an table, having THE ultrasound done. The technician monitored our baby's lungs, heart, brain... measured the head, length... guessed the weight.
And then the question. "Do you want to know what you're having?"

UM, HELLO?

I grabbed Rod's hand.

"It's a girl." My heart lept.

Six years later... it's still leaping.

I love you, little Abigail. You make your Mom very happy.


Every single day.

Answers to Tough Questions.

"Mom, have you ever lied to me?"

Yep. Abi asked me this the other day. Ugh. And of course, I wanted to lie and say no. But I didn't.

Abi has her PhD in tough questions. She's never really been the "typical" kid with the trains of thought she follows (I have NO idea where she gets that from...), and from the time she could talk, she has kept our mental abilities firing on all cylinders.

I am a HUGE believer in being open with children. Rod and I made a commitment that the words, "We'll talk about that when you're older" will never come out of our mouths. I once heard Dr. Dobson say that as parents, we need only answer the question they ask. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less. So, really, in the end, there is no "big" talk about sex, dating, etc... the idea is that by answering the questions that are asked along the way, we are creating an open relationship with our kids where they know they can approach us with questions and concerns and not get awkward put-offs and blank answers.

Believe me. It's not as easy as it sounds.

Abi is a question fanatic. She thinks of things I didn't even care about until I was in high school. Let me just share with you SOME of the questions we have answered.
"If God has all the money, why do we tithe?"
"Why do some people give their kids up for adoption?"
"What do I have to do to go to Heaven?"
"Daddy, do you love Mom more than me?"
"When someone gets a divorce, do they not call each other 'honey' anymore?"
"Can boys have babies?"
"Girls shouldn't marry other girls, right?"
"Is Santa real?"
"Why do people kidnap kids?"


And my personal favorite, at age 4...
ABI- "Mom, where do babies come from?"
ME- "God."
ABI- "You know what I mean."
ME- "Uh-oh."
ABI- "How do they get in your stomach?"
ME- "Well, before you're born, part of you lives in Daddy, and part of you in Mom. So, Daddy gave his part to Mom, and together it created you."
ABI- "Is this why girls don't have the same privates that boys have?"
ME- (gulp) "Yes."
ABI- "Ok." (left the room)

I gave her just enough information to answer the question she asked. She has no idea how the "parts" work... she just knows that she got the info she needed at the moment.

In essence, I built a bridge, so that when the next question comes up and she needs more knowledge, she knows she won't get awkwardness and the run-around from me. Because in reality, when we push their questions away, thinking they are "too young" to need to know certain things, we create a gap between us. And let me tell ya, they will get their answers from SOMEONE.

I want that someone to be me.

I'm not saying we need to bring our three year olds into the delivery room in order to expose them to real life. I'm not saying we need to march around looking for huge issues to introduce to our kids. Yes, sometimes we have to be preemptive and address issues before they are noticed by our kids. But most of the time, if we just sit back and follow their lead, answer the questions they ask, and show them candor when they ask for it, we will raise children who know we are approachable and willing to listen.

Kissing the President.

DISCLAIMER: This post will irritate many and probably cause me to get quite a few emails. But hey, I'm ok with that.



So, recently, I heard Abi say to a friend of hers, "I love President Obama!" Big gulp and bite my tongue.

Let me say, right up front. I did not vote for Barack Obama. I agree with just about nothing that comes out of his mouth. I am a die-hard Republican, 100% pro-life, and one of the most politically conservative people you will ever meet.

But I support the President.

Yep, you heard me right.

Respect is a BIG thing in our home. We respect each other with our actions as much as we can. We pray for each other openly every day. We thank eack other, compliment each other, and encourage each other as a way of life. To accompany that attitude, Rod and I decided a long time ago that our children would never hear us talk negatively about leaders in their lives. This includes their teachers, their pastors, their relatives, and certainly the President of the United States. I am actually VERY protective of that office, and with good reason.

I don't want to raise a child who has an attitude of ungratefulness and disrespect about her country. Let me explain.

There is a HUGE difference in respecting the office someone holds and respecting the actual person him or herself. I recognize that President Obama and I will never see eye to eye on any political matters. However, I also know that he is the Leader of the government that I live under. As a Christian, I am charged to pray for him. To believe the best about him. To FIND the good in him. Because it IS there. (somewhere...heehee) By talking trash about him and letting my child hear it, I am teaching her that disagreeing with someone means that you don't have to respect them... that respect is given based on us believing the same way.

Now, with that said, trust is most certainly earned. Has President Obama earned my trust, based on his track record? No. But the office of the Presidency certainly has. A President saw us through a Civil War and helped abolish slavery. A President guided troops through two world wars and assisted in freeing the Jews from generational torment. A President sent my father-in-law to Vietnam and brought him home to a country to didn't appreciate his service. A President helped end the Cold War. A President saw us through the darkest days of our nation's history after airplanes crashed into buildings and the sky fell around us.

My dad instilled in me that in life, you can be part of the problem, or part of the solution. Complaining, fault-finding, and bad-mouthing certainly plays a huge part in the problem of raising a generation with no respect for our leaders. See, when my father-in-law went overseas and fought a thankless war and came home to a country that didn't validate his sacrifice, it was simply because our country forgot that we don't have to respect the cause... we respect the people who lay their lives down FOR the cause.

So, how do we instill respect in our kids when a President we didn't vote for is in the office? We refer to him as PRESIDENT Obama... not Obama. We pray for him. We talk about his responsibilities. We talk about the things we don't agree with, but that America chose him and we want him to be safe and healthy. We talk about how he's a dad to two little girls. We talk about God's love for him. Basically, we try to offer her facts without a great deal of emotion attached. As a result, we are raising a little girl who loves her President. She said she'd give him a kiss on the cheek if he came to her school. Far be it from me to tear her innocence away. That will come soon enough, through a vast assortment of people who don't speak well of him. All she knows is he has the highest office in the world, he lives in a big white house, and we pray for him. Alot.

And for now, that's enough.

And the Oscar goes to.....

Remember my "high" with Abi a couple of blogs ago?

Yeah. It vanished last night.

Abi had a drama episode in the shower because soap got in her eyes. And from there, her world fell apart. The water was too cold. Her towel wasn't long enough. I rinsed her hair too long. It was too dark in her room and she couldn't see her pajamas.

Of course, I disciplined her. Then, after she boo-hooed endlessly, I walk into the guest room to find her laying face down on the bed.

ME- What's going on, Abi?
ABI- I don't deserve ANYthing. Just take my sheets off my bed and let me sleep on the mattress!

Oh. My. GOODNESS. I had to walk away. I laughed until I hurt in another room.

Now, before you think I'm the meanest person alive (if you don't already), you have to understand. My daughter is without a doubt the MOST secure, confident, and loved child I have ever seen in all my years of ministry. She is doted on and praised continuously, and always has been... every day of her life.

So, of course, I didn't fall for it.

Her Dad, sweet thing, spent some time reassuring her of her worth and how just because she had a bad attitude doesn't mean she's a bad child, etc. (He's the best Dad for a little girl EVER.) Daddies love their little girls, and I am so thankful for that tenderness.

I, however, am a female, and I have played her game before. I just had to leave the room until the drama was over.

So, this morning, I was on my way to work, and my sister called me. She said, "I found out what Abi said about the mattress. She saw that on Full House the other day while I was watching her." Then she proceeded to recall the entire scene, verbatim to what Abi had performed for us last night.

I was ROLLING laughing.

The word MANIPULATE means "to play upon by artful means, especially to one's own advantage."

Well.

See, all kids do it. It may not be in the form of Full House episodes. It may come in the form of sullenness, hurtful words used to make you second guess yourself, pity parties, and it can even come in the form of buttering you up with sweetness. But, we have to be wise. And preemptive. It starts at infancy, and continues forever. People know how to manipulate at every age.

When Abi was a baby (probably around 9 months old), and the attention wouldn't be on her, she would fake cough or fake sneeze to get us to say, "God bless you" to her. Yep. She couldn't even walk, but she knew how to play the game.

So, what's a parent to do? Be wise. Be gentle. Ask God to show you what's really going on in the situation. By playing into their game, we are bringing long term problems to them down the road.

I'm gonna have a little talk with Miss Abi today, and let her know that her plot has been exposed. She's a smart one.

But I'm smarter. :)