Before I Had Kids.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Saying that having children changes your life is like describing the Grand Canyon as a hole in the ground. It's like saying the ocean is wet. It's like saying you're glad political commercials are over for another four years.

It's the understatement of all understatements.

The more I parent, the more I see how unprepared you will ever, EVER be for this job. Sure, before you have kids, you read books, watch videos, follow blogs, listen to advice, ask questions, build theories. You imagine, think through scenarios that involve something similar to Pampers' commercials, and write out baby names. You pin a million things on Pinterest for the baby's room and you even role play how YOU would handle the screaming kid in Walmart who is only wearing one shoe and shouting "PAPER CLIPPPPPP" over and over like a wild and untamed wolf boy.

Then, you get pregnant. You faithfully follow the doctor's orders and check the weeks off your pregnancy calendar with a smile every week. You have all the baby apps on your phone and you've never been more aware of muscle twinges, backaches, and heartburn than you are now. You clean, nest, plan, check, and organize. You learn how to breathe, write out a birth plan, and pack a meticulously mapped out bag for you and Little Sweets for the big day.

Then, the big day comes. Whether through induction or natural labor, the ball starts rolling, and you realize super quickly that this baby business isn't exactly like it looks on TV. From thinking, "I don't think this should feel like a Mack truck is rear ending me over and over" to the horrible things you think about your loved ones who are telling you how to breathe (think spontaneous combustion), you see really quickly that there's not always happy background music playing while you birth your babe. Then, of course, you go home-- albeit not as excitedly as you thought you would ("You mean the nurses don't go with us so we can sleep?") and you begin to see why those who had kids before you would chuckle to themselves when you shared what you were "going to do" after you had babies.

I'm not saying people who haven't had children are stupid. Please understand that. I am simply saying that they're in for a great surprise. Like, "the toilet has been Saran Wrapped and I just sat down to pee like a race horse" surprise. One thing is for certain in parenthood... Nothing is certain.

Before I had kids, I would think-
Look at that child with the nasty snot dried on his face.
Now I think-
His mom has finally just given up and is hoping the dried snot will keep the new snot trapped inside, like a beaver's dam.

Before I had kids, I would think-
I'll love my times up at night, feeding a hungry baby.
Now I think-
If I put the bottle in his crib with a cooler on one end and a microwave on the other, will he figure out the process?

Before I had kids, I would think-
Look at that poor child. Her diaper is clearly wet and no one has changed her.
Now I think-
Not changing her yet is saving the earth, right? Win-win.

Before I had kids, I would think-
My kids will be well-trained from months old and will smile at people who speak to them, never pitch a fit in public, and will never throw her sippy cup because it has water in it instead of juice.
Now I think-
I don't blame her. Half the time, I don't like these people, hate crowds in stores, and wish I could drink coffee all day.

Before I had kids, I would think-
He will be dressed like a little Old Navy model every day.
Now I think-
How old does he have to be for pajamas to be socially unacceptable at noon in Target?

Before I had kids, I would think-
Oh, I'll just nap while she naps.
Now I think-
Two hours? Do you know what I can accomplish for humanity in two hours? I can shower, shave my legs, get dinner started, vacuum all the floors, do two loads of laundry, and STILL watch 3 and a half episodes of Dr. Phil so I can feel better about my own life. Why would I nap?

Before I had kids, I would think-
I can't wait to take them somewhere fun like Disney or to the beach.
Now I think-
Does the mall count? There's a slide there!

Before I had kids, I would think-
My kids will only eat organic foods, drink milk from a local dairy, and will sit in this plush high chair like the little doll she is.
Now I think-
Are these cheese puffs made with ANY real cheese? Close enough. Let's skip the dairy cows and go to Chick-Fil-A. There's cows there. And that high chair cover? Where the heck is that thing? I think the washing machine ate it.

Before I had kids, I would think-
Someone should teach that horrid child who is pitching that fit a lesson. The mom should talk to him and find out his inner feelings on why he's so upset about a goldfish cracker. What's really going on?
Now I think-
That poor mom.

Before I had kids, I would think-
I'll just take my little ones wherever I go.
Now I think-
I have to plan my errands around nap time with Navy Seal like precision. Can I do Publix, the library, the post office, and the school in two hours? If ANY of these errands start to interfere with nap time, we will just go hungry tonight, I'll get late fees on these books, Aunt Patty won't get her Christmas card until Easter, and the class party should have enough moms, right?

Before I had kids, I would think-
I'm not sticking my kids in front of tv when they are babies.
Now I think-
There's NO WAY that Baby Einstein DVD is 30 minutes long. How in the HECK was that just 30 minutes?

Before I had kids, I would think-
I'm only gonna use Pampers or Huggies, clothes from Baby Gap, and Ralph Lauren bed sheets.
Now I think-
Does Dollar Tree have diapers? Because I'm already in here picking up a onesie and I could have SWORN I saw a crib sheet for a dollar in here the other day. Or was that a dish towel? Close enough.

Before I had kids, I would think-
I will run when she calls me, so she knows she can trust me.
Now I think-
That sounded like a bump, not a cut. I think we're good. I'll be there after I load this dishwasher, honey!


Of all the things I misjudged before having my kids, the greatest misjudgment is this.

I will love my baby so much.

That's like describing Black Friday as a "big shopping day" or like describing Yo Gabba Gabba as "annoying". Understatement of the CENTURY.

Through the colic, the diaper blow outs, the temper tantrums, the "I only wear rainboots" stage, the "I hate tank tops" stage, the "If you touch my hair, I'm going to throw nails at you" stage... through the clingy stage, the whiny stage, the demanding stage, the defiant stage... through the broken arm, the month long 104 fever, the chronic constipation... through the teething, the chewing, the drooling... the RSV, the scratching stage, and the "I have to have this pink comb with me at all times" stage, I have learned a mere lesson.
This is more than love.

This is life. This is why I was born. This is living.

And I wouldn't change one little thing.