Nuggets. (not the chicken kind.)

Dear Abi,
Here's some things I wanted to write down for you. Partly to get them off my head, and partly because one day, you'll need to know these things. Humor me, please. And stop rolling your eyes, because I'm sure that by the time you are reading this, you'll be at least 12, and eye rolling will be automatic by now when you think of me.

Nugget 1. I am not your friend. I have no desire to be your friend. I'm not your buddy, not your peer, and not your equal. I will never dress like you, have the same hairstyle as you, or ever be as current as you. I am old. Get used to it. And while you have and will cost me many hours of sleep through my life, I will never lose sleep over the fact that you don't like me.

Nugget 2. My job is to protect you from yourself. This includes, but is not limited to: screening your friends, snooping through your drawers, and intercepting your texts and emails. You won't like this at all. But thank God, you have a Mom who doesn't care and doesn't need your acceptance.

Nugget 3. You will not always get to participate in what your friends are. For example... just because last year, $1.6 million was spent on thong underwear for girls aged 7-12 does NOT mean you will be one of those young ladies with a wedgie. You are not guaranteed a license at 16, and we have no idea when you will be allowed to date.

Nugget 4. You will not be handed luxury items like a car, a college education, and new clothes on a silver platter. You are not our only expense in life. So, in order to train you to become an independent and realistic young woman, you will need a job if you're actually going to put gas into the car you are paying for.

Nugget 5. I know that you won't always like school. You'll have teachers that don't like you. You'll have courses you will never in this lifetime use. Suck it up and give it 100% of your efforts. Even though Algebra is stupid and teachers are mean sometimes, both are training you that life isn't always fair, but you are always capable of handling it.

Nugget 6. If you want your life to be torture while you're under our roof, lie to us.

Nugget 7. You are not allowed to quit. So, whether that means playing a sport you signed up for and ended up hating, or babysitting the brattiest kid in the world, if you sign up, you fulfill your commitment. We will not bail you out... so choose wisely.

Nugget 8. You're a little bunny, playing in a field. Boys are the foxes in the bushes. Neither one are bad... they just are true to their nature. This will make sense to you when you're 25.

Nugget 9. Your clothes will always cover your rear end and your chest. There is no negotiating this fact. Your alternative is to wear a nun's outfit, so before you whine, understand that I mean it when I tell you that black polyester is really hot in Florida. Oh, and this applies even if you're 50. As long as you're my daughter, you won't dress like a hoochie.

Nugget 10. You can hate me, spit at me, cuss me, scream at me, roll around on the ground like you're on fire, slam your door, wish I had never been born, wish I wasn't your mom, threaten to run away, threaten to never speak to me again... but understand this. I am your mother. I was your first home. And trust me when I say that I will be home to you for the rest of your life. So, fire away, baby girl. My love is unwavering. And though I don't always like you, I always am committed to you and will love you until I breathe my last breath.


That's why I'm the meanest mom you'll ever meet.

Love forever and forever and forever,
Mom